To experience the bittersweet

Not that thrilled for today. I think I offically hate people. Well, most people. Because no one knows you but you and then when people think they know you they tell everyone else how well they think they know you....and people buy into it. I hate that it doesn't matter what they say, nothing I say can change the way people think. Nothing can change the way people interprept things, or the way people hurt other people. And I hate it cause theres no reason for all the conflict. The past is the past, and everyone has done some pretty stupid things, but does that make people stupid? No, what makes people stupid is when someone begs them to understand that the other people are not right in what they say, no matter who they are or what they're saying, and yet they still don't listen.

When's the last time any of you took the time to listen, to hear me out?
To understand.
I hate that its over, and I hate everything that I did do wrong, but I didn't do this.

Party Pics

Finally....

sorry they're late! It was lots of fun.



P.S. check out the picture of me and chris :)

I take it all back

All that happy. I take it all back. I just do. I hate high school.
But you know what, I don't! Thats it. I don't. I refuse to hate high school. Theres always going to be things. I told myself I was moving on, and I am. I'm ready to be happy and have fun and have a good life. I'm ready to stop disagreeing with how others handle their problems.

I'm ready to be a bridesmaid in kt's wedding in november.

I'm ready to bring my date, then of almost nine months, with me and introduce him as my boyfriend.

I'm ready to enjoy every minute of high school and not give a damn what other people thing about me.

And I'm ready to go through my life in the best way possible, embracing all the drama I can with a large grain of salt.

Goodnight, all. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm perfectly....me.

"how much is too much to give you?..

...well I may never know so i'll give until theres nothing else."

~Relient K
I love them so much, you have no idea.

Anyway, I'd like everyone to know I'm offically happy. Yes, up and down and down and up, but for now I'm just perfectly content with everything. Good friends, always someone to talk to, perfect guy, very happy. :)
I went roller skating last night with the youths (my church youth group). It was awesome, I love my church people. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. I mean, thats half of what church is for me. Take out the whole God thing and I still wouldn't be able to live without my church family just as a support group I guess. I love the quirks as much as I love their perfections. If you get the chance, look up "What I love about Sunday" by Craig Morgan. You'll get it.
Socially, life's going great. My issues with my friends are offically declared over...a huge relief. Water under the bridge, its nice to move on.
I stayed at Sandra's this weekend, and Michelle and Heather were there, along with mom later on. Yes, I should have seen it coming, but michelle and sandra badgered and wrestled me on the Chris things, until I kinda told some things about my new guy. But it was hilarious, them being all sisterly *cough mean cough* loving and everything.

Anyway, some TV to catch up on tonight and much chilling out to be done, so i'm gonna sign off for now. Much love and hugs.

Just A Quicky...

Not a post....so read the one below it! (by the way, theres text under this picture, so if you can't see it highlight it and you'll see it.

Wood type: birch Length: 10½ inches Core: Unicorn Hair get your own wand!

people have strange habbits, don't you think?

Okay, so, Meghan's party was awesome, lived up to the potential i talked about.
"That Guy" was there. Do I need to explain myself? I think not.

For the curious...

Am I single? Yeah...

Will it stay that way? Uhm, not likely.

Anyway, that party was amazing. I'd love to go back. Even with all the "whats his name (not the one i like, the one i went out with)" drama. But I'm not pointing fingers there. I'd love to elaborate, but i'll just post pictures later. I woke up sick this morning, so I'm dead tired and I still have math to do. :(

Sorry about the technical difficulties

We're back. :)

Today is meghan's party, which has the potential to be very fun.
Potential is the key word.

Anyway, theres this guy.......

...nuff said.

<3s and Hugs!

From the lake house.

This weekend I'm staying at Kt's lake house, which is cool. We went shopping last night and bought some awesome stuff, my once again putting my sense of style in their hands. Its cool, because they come up with some pretty good stuff, but no worries my style will alwasy be my own. Anyway, now I'm sitting in Kt's room while the world outside is a hectic vacum and cooking frenzy for the people coming at four. And I have some homework left to do, but I'm almost done which is awesome, don't you think? So I'm off to write a report. See ya!

I'm taking you with me

So yeah. Today. Lousy. And okay. Mediocre I suppose. Cause, lets see, Persad was absent, which was nice because I didn't have to take the scale playing test/midterm. But of course I forgot my flute again so I didn't get to practice the scales tonight. So hopefully he won't be here tomorrow, or my lesson will be after fifth, or he'll cancel the playing texts til next week. Three options, I think my chances are pretty good. Still, was a semi boring semi obnoxious day. I have so much studying to do for next week, and then the week after is going to be no fun with the math regents. I just...hmmm...I think I've decided that I don't know what made this day good, because none of the issues are quite as blown over as I thought, though they are blowing over. The process is just taking more time then I thought....which is too much time and henceforth frustrating. Another mood killer is tension with my other best friend, which isn't nessicarily an issue but more a......ugh i really just wish we could ignore that and I hate this thing. But I take total blame, its not like I'm hurt or anything. And she's okay now, I hope. So to add I'm still exhausted and I just can't catch up. And I don't know if I'm going to the dance tomorrow even though part of me wants to a kinda of larger part of me doesn't but I would if I didn't have an obnoxious author study due. I can't do it like all weekend anyway, so I just....hmmm....this is all very confusterating. Its after nine thirty, and I'm really tired, and I'm ranting.


Do you want to know my thoughts right now? No, I don't think you do. But I'll tell you anyway. Heres my exhausted, confused and brain dead self thats surrounded by this cloud of dramatic...drama.....rant that I'm not thinking about at all but just typing.
WARNING: RUN-ON SENTENCES MAY OCCUR!

Okay so I think that this whole earth is like an entire planet of life forms that live on drama. Yeah, okay, so drama technically isn't food and really can't like keep anything real alive so maybe we're all unreal. Some of out daily rituals are, anyway. I mean, really, who wakes up BEFORE the sun to go to school and cram? We're not going to get anything out of the first seven classes anyway. Because by the time we wake up we're too tired to get focused and then we're just.....you get it. So basically I have a problem with waking up early that makes me think the whole world is fake. Unrealistic, like the realistic world of unrealism. So now, I'm deciding the early people...i forget the scientific name for them, had it right. No electricity means no waking up early. So why does electricity change that? Just because I can turn on the lights early doesn't mean its leagal. Its not a legitimate move in my 3945 page rule book. Publish date, TBA. Not really. I'd rather act then write. Not that I have a choice. I'd rather sing then act. But honestly I don't have a chance at any of all three so I'm just going to pretend. Dream world, which we've determined is more realistic then the real world, is alot nicer. But how can it be nicer if its realer? Is realer a word? I mean, doesn't the fact that I used it mean anything? It's now on the world-wide-web, so guess what, I've decided that...what ever the word i just used was...is now a real world.





Told you you didn't want to know. Goodnight.

Its chapped stick, and Chapped lips and things like chemistry

Life goes on, as I said. To all you who have followed my woeful saga, I'd like to tentatively say that I've...moved on.

...Now its late. I had lal intentions of this being a long post too. Ahh, well.

Your the only thing i want, cause your everything i need.

Moving on from this weekend's....perdicerment....
Is quite a relief.
Of course, its still hurting and daily getting worse with these little details.
But I think its not about getting over it, its about getting on with it.
So yeah, maybe I don't feel any better, but I'm getting stronger. Besides, arn't you supposed to do something like that in high school?
I don't know, I must have read that in a book or something. :)

Forget Regret, Or Life Is Yours To Miss

See, theres one little problem with that statement. Regret is all I have right now. Well, regret and anger and hurt and all that other stuff. But mostly, regret.
I know the people who this is about will probably end up reading it, and it'll either give them another reason to be mad at me or help them understand my side.
I'm hoping the latter, but who can say?
Anyway, its harder now then ever. I had a much needed talk with him, but much needed for me is different then what he needed I suppose. I gather this because as soon as I hung up, it was all over, and things were different then what we had talked about. I knew it would happen, doesn't mean I liked it, but I knew it would happen.
Then I talked to her. And that went well, I guess, because she's not still mad at me, if she ever was. Yet I don't know that she really understand what this is like. I don't know what I want to happen, but I know two things. They like each other, and thats the end of that, and apparently its my fault that he doesn't like me anymore.
All I did was try to be his friend. Didn't it occur that it might be hard? I feel bad, because I can be a big person and admit that I am at fault in this, huge fault even, because I didn't treat him as well as I would've hoped. It was getting better, but him being mad about it, I guess thats to be expected. Anyway, I thought last night we were friends again, or getting there, but I have no idea now. And yeah, I hope they're happy. I hope they have a wonderful flippin' life. But I really just..cried all friday night, and then Sandra came to my rescue on Saturday morning. That was wonderful, and hilarious (just so everybody knows, the Golden Compass does NOT start at 12:55). But once I got home, is was right back to crying. I haven't felt like this before, and I hate it more then anything. Because I feel miserable.
Its probably a good thing Sandra took me out of the house yesterday, because apparently they were hanging out all day at one of my other friends house's and that would've come to bit me in the butt earlier then it did.

Anyway, I could continue my woeful saga, but I have church.
Finish later.

misery misery misery misery

Now its all a matter of....WHERE THE HECK DO I TURN?!

table talk

Its wonderful, after a tough day and even tougher nights, to just forget everything and laugh. Laugh like your drunk, and about things that you know everyone thinks but would never say. Just like...a flat out laugh till you cry girl stuff talk.

Real girl stuff.

It was so much fun. I mean, granted, it was an NHD meeting. But NHD? Productive? Ahahaha. You have to be kidding.

take only photographs, leave only footprints

So, it was back to the real world today. I don't think I like the real world much.
Here goes my rant.

Okay, so to start, I couldn't sleep last night. Then of course come the great, you have to get up early you need to sleep oh now i'm thinking about it i won't get to sleep ahhhhh i need sleep cry cry scream scream....okay minus the screaming crying fit. But we all know the feeling. This morning went relativly okay, except for some sadish feelings about going back to school and, well, other things. So I get to school and get pounded with Mr.Mark math, then third I had english where she jumped right back into the insane method that she has of assigning things and the random homework that just piles and piles....

But basically, it was okay after that. Until seventh period. When while sight reading some strange a capella spanish piece with the womens choir, bllod drips onto my hand. Great, just my luck, another flippin' nose bleed. To which i proceded to dive for the hall pass, totally blowing off trying to make a rapid excuse to Mr.Clark, and began my sure to be humiliating walk down the cafeteria hallway. Which just happens to be the only way to get to the bathroom. Of course, theres girls in the bathroom, did i expect anything else? An ounce of luck? Silly me.
Anyway, dove for a stall, and spent about twenty minutes making my regular niagra falls of a nose quit. Gross? No kidding, I was there.

I gave up on trying to look like nothing happened, and walked back through the hallway to the chorus room for the last ten minutes of the period. I figured my eigth period class would be easy, i mean, come on. Its a sub, the day after break. No worries, right?

Wrong. Again.

So the overly-perky sub bouces around chirping something about an attendance sheet, blah blah blah and the movie we're going to watch...blah blah blah. Eventually he stopped talking and turned the lights out, so what else would freshman do but start talking? And laughing and taking pictures with their cell phones and comparing ipods and being...freshman. Basically doing anything but watching the movie. Now I don't really care, I mean, its not like the movie from three chapters ago actually matter, but my stomach was empty except for blood which made it hurt like heck and everyone around me is being loud and talkitive and I wasn't exactly in a people mood due to...well, you know all that. Doesn't help that the one person in that class I might've talked to was busy talking to a couple of girls right behind me, and I don't know that I wanted to talk anyway.

So, because theres no point in even attempting to make today better, I will be on IM tonight while doing homework and possibly watching episode....seven I think i'm on, but maybe six.....of Kyle XY.

Life is good? Sometimes. But today, life stinks. I can't wait to go to bed.





Oh, well, okay. I do have one thing to look foward to. I get to sleep over at Sandra's soon, and then scrap, so that should be fun. :)